So, what are you feeling?
Hmm... good question. Numb, mostly. Perplexed.
I don’t know what I feel. Confused.
What are you confused about?
Shyiah... how do I answer to that? I feel like I’m in a place that I wasn’t supposed to be. It’s not the physical surroundings... those are OK. I’m in a different space, and it’s disorienting.
Tell me more.....
When I focus on it and think about it, my head feels funny and hurts. I feel a little dizzy. At times it feels OK; other times I want to crawl under the covers and go to sleep. I’ve actually done that a few times, and slept deeply for a couple hours- kinda like hibernation. And sometimes this new space feels pretty good.
Do you feel you deserved this?
Oh, the “why me?” question. Naah, I don’t buy into the belief that I’m so special that nothing bad should happen to me. My philosophy has been more like “why not me?” I see people all around me with worse burdens than what my life has offered.
You mentioned you felt numb; tell me more.
I don’t know what and how to feel, to process. There’s been 3 ½ years of stress and drama- I keep thinking, what do I do with that? A part of me waits for the final breakdown- the crying, and sobbing, and laying in bed for days, staring at the walls while empty pizza boxes and beer bottles stack up on the coffee table. A good Hollywood scene- except I don’t have a coffee table and I don’t like beer.
I’m in a space that’s unfamiliar. A big part of me has been having Goals, and Working to meet those goals. While that served me in some ways, it hasn’t gotten me to where I wanted to be...... and I don’t know what to do with the vacuum.
So... what do you want to do?
Aahh...that’s the eternal million dollar question, isn’t it? Do I still believe that I have a destiny, that there’s a method to all the madness, that I’ll get a God-sent spark of direction to my true calling?
I don’t have that answer. I don’t know if I’ve ever had that answer. I’ve got a couple of ideas rattling around in my head... but I’ve had other ideas before. I’m a bit skeptical.
I do know I don’t want to become a shrunken, bitter, those-were-the-days-my-friend kind of person. I still believe in the sweetness of Life. I’m just numb right now, and I can’t taste it very well.
C.
Hmm... good question. Numb, mostly. Perplexed.
I don’t know what I feel. Confused.
What are you confused about?
Shyiah... how do I answer to that? I feel like I’m in a place that I wasn’t supposed to be. It’s not the physical surroundings... those are OK. I’m in a different space, and it’s disorienting.
Tell me more.....
When I focus on it and think about it, my head feels funny and hurts. I feel a little dizzy. At times it feels OK; other times I want to crawl under the covers and go to sleep. I’ve actually done that a few times, and slept deeply for a couple hours- kinda like hibernation. And sometimes this new space feels pretty good.
Do you feel you deserved this?
Oh, the “why me?” question. Naah, I don’t buy into the belief that I’m so special that nothing bad should happen to me. My philosophy has been more like “why not me?” I see people all around me with worse burdens than what my life has offered.
You mentioned you felt numb; tell me more.
I don’t know what and how to feel, to process. There’s been 3 ½ years of stress and drama- I keep thinking, what do I do with that? A part of me waits for the final breakdown- the crying, and sobbing, and laying in bed for days, staring at the walls while empty pizza boxes and beer bottles stack up on the coffee table. A good Hollywood scene- except I don’t have a coffee table and I don’t like beer.
I’m in a space that’s unfamiliar. A big part of me has been having Goals, and Working to meet those goals. While that served me in some ways, it hasn’t gotten me to where I wanted to be...... and I don’t know what to do with the vacuum.
So... what do you want to do?
Aahh...that’s the eternal million dollar question, isn’t it? Do I still believe that I have a destiny, that there’s a method to all the madness, that I’ll get a God-sent spark of direction to my true calling?
I don’t have that answer. I don’t know if I’ve ever had that answer. I’ve got a couple of ideas rattling around in my head... but I’ve had other ideas before. I’m a bit skeptical.
I do know I don’t want to become a shrunken, bitter, those-were-the-days-my-friend kind of person. I still believe in the sweetness of Life. I’m just numb right now, and I can’t taste it very well.
C.
2 comments:
Yay voices in your head!! Just make sure they are not gremlins.
Hugs-Erika
OMG! I have a shrink in my head too! Let's get together next week for a bottle of wine and a little group therapy!
And can I say I hate the sign in for this blog? I lost my much more robust comments trying to figure out how to login below. I have a wordpress blog but it's on my own server and the login info doesn't work. Waaaah! Hardly seems fair. Obviously blogger has kicked me for fraternizing with the enemy since I couldn't log in with that either.
Pat & Shrink
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