There’s a Shrink In My Head....

So, what are you feeling?

Hmm... good question. Numb, mostly. Perplexed.
I don’t know what I feel. Confused.

What are you confused about?

Shyiah... how do I answer to that? I feel like I’m in a place that I wasn’t supposed to be. It’s not the physical surroundings... those are OK. I’m in a different space, and it’s disorienting.

Tell me more.....

When I focus on it and think about it, my head feels funny and hurts. I feel a little dizzy. At times it feels OK; other times I want to crawl under the covers and go to sleep. I’ve actually done that a few times, and slept deeply for a couple hours- kinda like hibernation. And sometimes this new space feels pretty good.

Do you feel you deserved this?

Oh, the “why me?” question. Naah, I don’t buy into the belief that I’m so special that nothing bad should happen to me. My philosophy has been more like “why not me?” I see people all around me with worse burdens than what my life has offered.

You mentioned you felt numb; tell me more.

I don’t know what and how to feel, to process. There’s been 3 ½ years of stress and drama- I keep thinking, what do I do with that? A part of me waits for the final breakdown- the crying, and sobbing, and laying in bed for days, staring at the walls while empty pizza boxes and beer bottles stack up on the coffee table. A good Hollywood scene- except I don’t have a coffee table and I don’t like beer.

I’m in a space that’s unfamiliar. A big part of me has been having Goals, and Working to meet those goals. While that served me in some ways, it hasn’t gotten me to where I wanted to be...... and I don’t know what to do with the vacuum.

So... what do you want to do?

Aahh...that’s the eternal million dollar question, isn’t it? Do I still believe that I have a destiny, that there’s a method to all the madness, that I’ll get a God-sent spark of direction to my true calling?

I don’t have that answer. I don’t know if I’ve ever had that answer. I’ve got a couple of ideas rattling around in my head... but I’ve had other ideas before. I’m a bit skeptical.

I do know I don’t want to become a shrunken, bitter, those-were-the-days-my-friend kind of person. I still believe in the sweetness of Life. I’m just numb right now, and I can’t taste it very well.

C.

I used to think my role in Life was to achieve Great and Important things. Don’t be one of Those, be one of Them. ‘Those’ are the people on Cops, the people with beaten sofas on their front porches, the struggling souls who try and try and never make it.

‘Them’ have many levels, from the NASCAR lover with the big RV to the Ferrari drivin’ designer-shades-on-top-of-the-head asshole who winters in Maui. I was aiming for a healthy mid-range: nice home, nice surroundings, nice vacations, decent amenities. Life with cash in the bank. I wanted a quiet, comfortable space in Time.

But aha! You know the saying, “Life is what happens when you’re busy making plans.”

My only question is.... Where does all the energy go?

I believed if you worked hard enough with focused energy and determined will, you could forge your way to your goal. To be honest, we were there for a spell- at least close enough to it to experience the pleasure in our pores. And it felt mostly nice.

But then Life happened, and we slipped along to a new space not exactly of our choosing.

So.... all that energy, all that Karma, all that will and determination... where did they go? Do they flutter away and randomly attach themselves to another soul- and create what we call Luck? Do they sink into the earth and latently get reabsorbed into into the rock and the strata? Or do they quietly sit in a Karmic piggy bank, waiting to be used again?

Can I one day renew my energy deficit and start again?.....

By nature, I'd say I'm an optimistically realistic person. I choose not to dwell in the shadow areas.

I like the sunshine with a little shade.... you don't get burned that way. My realistic tendencies have almost never done me wrong.

So, my reality probing nature gets its hackles a bit bristly with the "you can create anything you want if you're just positive enough" mantra currently making its way through popular circles.

I'm conflicted- yes, I do believe a positive mindset affects your life. Absolutely. But to assert that your life will be idyllic if you're proposeful enough (and on the flip side, that it's your fault if things aren't so hot because you're not performing positively to par).... I just can't buy it.

The first time I saw "The Secret" it left me cold... and angry. Bah! All I saw was a consortium of marketing gurus who decided to package what makes good sense into a media empire and a guaranteed job description with lots of money. It was genius- that's the secret.

I dare them to tell all the people killed in China by the earthquake that it's their fault- they allowed bad things to happen to them. Or tell the same to the spirit of the 2 1/2 year old girl who was beaten, burned, raped and murdered. Bastards.

And yet.... I agree with many of the pieces of what they preach (that's the genius part). Live your life with hope and good intention. Tell yourself you're special and here to make a difference. Make a difference.

Allow good things to come into your life.

Just don't let your eyes glaze over and drink the kool-aid.

Bastards.

from Anonymous.....

Regret looks behind.......

Fear looks around......

Faith looks up.

Change Challenge

So- A change in Life’s fortunes... and what do you do about it? Watch your savings dwindle, sell your home at a loss, move to a “functional, comfortable” rental to regroup­- and feel relief.

Spend 3 ½ years on the edge, knowing what’s coming is bad, partially amazed it didn’t all disintegrate in six months. Pushing to find answers and not getting any. Driving 60 MPH towards that brick wall, having the brakes work at the very last minute... and looking at that wall only inches from your face.

Feeling like you’re the poster child for “What a shame... can you believe this is happening to them” and “you know.. if I were them I’d have done X and X and it would have been different.”

Slogging through the quagmire of time and using all of your energy to lift each foot out of the muck.

And finally, finally, the shift change occurs, and you’re in a new place/space.

But.... where’s the guidebook on how to filter/process/grieve... and live again? How do you re-assimilate? There was no time to confront and deal before... all energy was focused on survival and denial and solutions not found.

Before it was a black fog.... now it’s milky white, but still a fog.